Missing . . . our childrenOne issue that the American church has, for the most part, failed to recognize as significant is that of having Jesus Christ the Lord of family size. Think of it: we are talking with cooperating with Almighty God for Him to create a unique child in the womb in His image with the potential of changing life on this planet and living forever! This booklet below describes how God changed Randy and Marcia's hearts to receive the children He intended for them to have.
(By the way, if after reading the brief story below, you want to know even more about this important issue, we suggest you order our book, "Sweeter by the Dozen: Making Jesus the Lord of Our Family Size.") |
Copyright 2016 by Randy and Marcia Hekman
Dear Judge Hekman,
“I am writing to thank you for your ministry. Many years ago, when interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, you spoke concerning the blessing of children. My mother listened to this and was convicted. Both my parents decided to receive as many children as God would give as a blessing. At the time, my parents had one child. Now, I am the seventh of ten children. I probably would not be living had it not been for your talk. Many parents see children as a temporary bother instead of people that God can use to serve Him. If everyone would receive as many children as God would give them and raise them to love God and His Word, the effect would be thousands of young people passionate about serving God. Thank you for the impact you have had on my life.”
Written by fourteen-year old Taylor Bontrager from Iowa, his letter was part of a small package that recently arrived at our home and which also contained eleven other hand-written letters—one from each member of the Bontrager family! Mind you, we had never met this family before. But the parents, Marlin and Becky, had obviously been touched by the message we shared on Dr. Dobson’s radio broadcast many years before.
And they were not the only family impacted by this broadcast. Dr. Dobson told us he received many letters from other couples describing how their lives had been changed as well. Most exciting to us were the letters that arrived months after the broadcast had been aired, where folks sent Dobson pictures of their newborns, whose very existence—from a human perspective at least—had been prompted by our program. To which we can only say: total credit to God! Because, as you will soon see, it was He who graciously opened our eyes about the value He places on children. We came very close to missing this truth as well.
But first, a disclaimer: this booklet will undoubtedly challenge you in many ways. While you may hear our story and immediately agree with what we are saying, it is also possible that you may initially question our perspective similar to how we reacted when we first considered this subject. We simply ask that you give God permission to change your mind, that you “be willing to be willing” in this area of children and family size. And bear in mind that growth in the Christian life is often counter-intuitive. We gain by surrendering; we win by losing; and we truly live as we die to self. “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?’” (Luke 9:23-25)
By the grace of God, many years ago, Marcia and I chose to follow Him whatever the cost. We have made our share of mistakes, and cry out daily for His power and love. But He has been incredibly faithful to us. We would not trade this life for anything!
Our Experience
In the summer of 1967, Marcia and I met in a divine encounter at the headquarters for Campus Crusade for Christ (now called Cru) in Arrowhead Springs, CA. She was there for a month and me for just a week. But how wonderful of the Lord that we did meet! That fall we returned to our respective colleges, Marcia to Northern Illinois University and me to Boston at MIT. After a courtship primarily by snail mail and telephone, along with occasional visits, we were married on June 14, 1969.
Having just graduated from college and now newly married, my first job out of college was as a Naval officer in the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. I also attended night law school five nights a week at George Washington University.
While Marcia wanted to start having children immediately, I felt we needed to get better established first. So I told her to give this desire for children to God and urged her to seek a job teaching high school, to which she acquiesced. Like most Christian couples, we used birth control to prevent pregnancy. I didn’t even think God cared much about this issue. Family size is our business, right?
After Marcia taught for two years, we felt we should “start our family.” (I actually have grown to despise that term—doesn’t “family” start when we get married?) In any event, soon we were delighted to hear that Marcia was pregnant, and nine months later she gave birth to our precious firstborn, Michelle Ann. With that life-changing event, Marcia became, and has remained, a full time mom.
Leaving Washington after three years, we returned to my hometown of Grand Rapids, where I started work as an Assistant Prosecuting Attorney. Soon Marcia gave birth to wonderful Renee Janette. Spacing our children with birth control, a couple years later was born Alicia Lynn, who came along about the same time I was elected as Probate-Juvenile Court Judge for our county. Finally, Marianne Christine came into the world in 1976.
So there we were with four awesome daughters. Now what to do? For me, four children are more than enough! Not that I regretted having any of them. Each girl was precious in her own way. But our house was reaching its limits, as was our car. I also felt our budget was getting stretched, and I sincerely wondered if either Marcia or I had the emotional and physical energy to raise more kids. Certainly we needed to follow the example of those around us and take decisive action to put an end to this process.
In addition to these concerns about being able to handle more children, I also had a hidden dream that would be shattered if our family grew larger. My hobby at the time was flying private airplanes. My secret dream had been to own an airplane someday and fly my family around the country for fun. There are many four and six passenger, single engine airplanes I could ideally purchase, but anything larger would be virtually out of the question.
Not only this, but what would other relatives and friends say if we had another child? Having five kids felt weird. I didn’t want to go there.
The Turning Point
And Marcia knew my thinking too. She too felt four was “enough.” But she also thought, “That’s what we think. But what if God wants to create another child?” So she prayed that if God wanted us to have another child, He would change her husband’s (my) heart. While no angel ever appeared bringing me tidings about God’s perspectives on childbearing, little-by-little my thinking did indeed change.
While I had read through the Bible many times, God began to impress me with how many Old Testament passages speak of God opening and closing the wombs of married women. (See, for example, Genesis 16:1-2; 21:1-2; 25:21; 29:31-35; 30:17; 30:22-23; Deuteronomy 28:4,11,18; Judges 13:2-3; I Samuel 1:5, 19-20; 2:21 and Luke 1:5-25). God showed me that He has a much greater role in the creation of children than I had previously thought. For the first time in my life, it struck me how eternally important is the decision couples cavalierly make about how many children to have. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, but God showed me how our choices in this matter greatly impact not only us as parents, but also the other children in our families and, ultimately, even the human history of our world and the composition of God's eternal kingdom! It’s not tiny: it’s huge!
Since high school days, I have been taught that we need daily to ensure that Jesus Christ is Lord or boss of all the areas of our lives. But I have yet to hear a sermon on the need to dedicate the reproductive parts of our lives to the Lord. Is God not sovereign in deciding who will be conceived and born? Or was it merely coincidental that Moses was born a male and specially chosen by God to become a special leader of the Israelis? Was it mere biological chance that David was the seventh born in Jesse's family and chosen to become an outstanding king? How about the special roles in the history of Israel played by Esther and Ruth? Obviously God wanted these people to be the gender they were and have the personalities they each possessed. Or was that reality only true in Biblical days? Psalm 139:13 has David speaking to God, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.” Or has somehow, in our modern age, biological science and statistics replaced God's sovereignty over the creation of children?
As God led me through these and other thoughts, I became totally convicted in my heart that I had been wrongly controlling an area of my life that properly belonged in God's hands. But the conviction didn’t erase my fears. Truth be told, I was petrified thinking about turning this reproductive area over to Him. We just might actually have another child which, to my way of thinking, was very unwise. That would obviously be much more than we could handle or afford!
I struggled with this dilemma for a period of time, resisting God's grace because of my fear. It was around this time that I experienced an uncomfortable episode with a urinary tract infection. I felt maybe God was using this to encourage me to obtain a vasectomy that would both cure my infection and resolve my dilemma. But my hopes for this convenient “solution” were dashed when the doctor said that a vasectomy would not at all eliminate the infection issue; in fact, he encouraged regular relations with my wife as a means of keeping the problem at bay. Thanks a lot, doctor!
Failing to resolve the issue this way, but continuing to be convicted by God on the subject, I announced to Marcia one night, with a sigh, that we were going to trust God with whether or not we had more children. We were going “cold turkey” with contraception. Marcia was ecstatic. I was a basket case.
My only consolation in all this was sincerely trusting that God is both merciful and wise. He loves us, He knows what is best for us, and He is the one who creates life in the womb. He obviously could see that, in our day and age, having more than four children would be unwise, particularly for our family. I was almost 100% convinced that God, in His mercy, wisdom and love, would sovereignly close Marcia's womb. We would be obeying God, and I would obtain what I knew was best for us: no more children. And possibly my dream airplane!
The Family Grows
Fortunately for all of us, God merely smiled at my rationalizations. In His sovereignty, He did what He knew would be the best: In a few months, Marcia's growing prayers for another child were answered. One evening, Marcia told me as we were getting ready for bed, “You know, Randy, my stomach doesn't feel so good, and I am a bit light headed.” Knowing as I do that Marcia hates any form of actual sickness or discomfort, the smile on her face as she spoke these words confirmed my worst fears: she was pregnant again! I was going to be the father of five children! What on earth had we done?
“Randy, aren't you happy” she asked me. “Oh, sure!” I said, trying my best to sound positive. In reality, I was emotionally dazed as I pondered the implication of all this. This went on with me for a number of days. Only as I trusted again in the sovereignty of God and His perspective that children are of infinite value, was I able to pull out of my funk. Somehow, I reasoned, while seemingly overwhelming, it was going to be O.K.
The response of friends and relatives to the news was predictably lukewarm. I really didn't know how to answer those who asked, “Is this child planned?” I wasn't strong enough yet in my new thinking to expound on the fact that, “Yes, God planned this child from before the foundation of the world.” Instead, I would mutter, somewhat sheepishly, “Of course, heh, heh.”
September 23, 1978 came soon enough, and we found ourselves again at the OB/GYN floor of a local hospital with Marcia delivering baby #5. Having had four girls up to this point, Marcia and I agreed that we really liked girls and would be pleased as punch to have another. (Anyhow, it would certainly save money on new clothing!) Even if ultrasounds had been available then providing parents knowledge of their next child’s gender, our doctor hadn’t suggested we obtain one. So as the big baby came out into the world, obstetrician Dr. Louis Helder, a dear friend, gave the official pronouncement as soon as he could tell: “It's a . . . boy!” he said excitedly.
Marcia, unable from her vantage point to view the actual evidence for herself, said, “You’re kidding! That’s amazing! We don't have boys!” She was not joking. In my family of origin, I was the only male surrounded by three sisters. Marcia has two sisters and no brothers. Her oldest sister has four daughters and no sons, and her younger sister at that time had no children. Time for celebration!
Weighing in at almost 10 pounds, dear David was a precious baby to all of us. A day or so after David’s birth, our pastor made the public announcement in the Sunday morning service of our large church. “The Hekmans had a baby born, and it’s a . . . boy!” The congregation erupted in spontaneous applause. “Didn't I tell you,” I told myself, swelling with pride, “that we should have a fifth child?” The term “hypocrite” fits quite well here!
And grows some more!
I was actually surprised how well and how quickly David fit into our family. He was a joy for Marcia and me, and his older sisters doted on him. After a few months, we needed to address the obvious: should we be open for a sixth child? Trust me, we never sat down and formulated a plan to have a dozen children. Our pattern was more like this: after adjusting to the chaos of the most recent arrival, God gradually made us open to the possibility of another one should He choose to bless us in that way. Somehow, He was meeting our needs. Sure, it was work, but I was surprised that it was rather fun having this growing group of lively children in our home. I won’t belabor (no pun intended!) you with the specifics of each, but after David, one-by-one every couple of years, along came the following children: Suzanne, John, Scott, Laurie, Daniel, Angela and Nathan.
After adjusting to the birth of a child, it was not uncommon for Marcia to ask God for another child. I was a bit more cautious; I simply would pray for God’s will to be done. That went on until we had 11 kids. Now, I’ve always been a numbers sort of guy. Somehow, eleven seemed incomplete compared with twelve. I mean, consider the Twelve Tribes of Israel and the Twelve Apostles and all. So, after the birth of dear Angela on Christmas eve, I did pray Marcia would have at least one more. Three years later, my brave wife gave birth to Nathan when she was pushing 46 years of age. Then God did close her womb. (A quick note to those of you who have heard the horror stories about how risky it is for women to give birth in their 40s—that their children are likely to be damaged goods. Our 12th born Nathan was Valedictorian of his large high school class and got straight A’s in engineering school. He now works for IBM). And, for full disclosure, along the way, Marcia did have two unpleasant miscarriages. But for those keeping score, at this juncture our children range in ages from 51 to 29. Eleven are now married, and we have 35 grandchildren, one great grandchild and more on the way!! Total credit to God!
Looking back, has it been easy? Are you kidding? Though often challenging, it has also been wonderful at the same time. And God has miraculously met our needs along the way.
Providing for a Dozen Children
To begin with, neither Marcia nor I are independently wealthy. She grew up in a farming community in Illinois, and my family was decidedly middle class. When first married, after we drove to our one bedroom apartment in suburban Washington, D.C., we barely had the cash to purchase the necessities, like pots and pans and an ironing board, for our home. At the end of the day, we didn’t have sufficient money left even to take our honeymoon. Oh well, we had Jesus and we had each other and no real debt either.
My initial pay with the Navy was about $7,600 per year. When Marcia started to teach that first fall, she added about $9,000 a year for the two years she taught before becoming a fulltime homemaker. But, despite our minimalistic income, we were challenged by friends to tithe, or give a tenth of our gross income to the Lord. At first, doing so felt like financial suicide. But I can honestly say that God has always provided for us in our 46 years of marriage. Let me give you a few specifics:
I’m reminded of friends of ours from the Toronto, Canada area: Fred and Nelly Van Stralen. We visited this family in the summer of 1985 when they had 15 children. (I believe they added one or two since then.) Even though Nelly did not work outside of the home, Fred was able to make ends meet for his large family through his income as a Canadian mail carrier. The large home they lived in, worth upwards of $300,000 at the time and included an outdoor pool, was actually mortgage free! Apparently the prior owner had it on his heart to sell the home to the Van Stralens merely for the cost of the land itself on which the home stood! As Fred put it, “God literally throws blessings at us when we His children obey Him.”
Another large family, whom I have only “met” by reading their account in the newspaper, are the Rudy Sheptocks of New Jersey. Rudy and his wife Joanne have 26 children, seven biological ones and 19 adopted. They live in a rambling 13-bedroom, seven-bathroom home in Penpack-Gladstone, New Jersey. The Sheptocks consume more than $500 worth of groceries and wash upwards of 100 loads of laundry per week. Mr. Sheptock works as a maintenance supervisor for a local public school system. In addition, publicity of the family has prompted donations. To what do the Sheptocks attribute their source of supply? Listen to Mr. Sheptock:
“We talk about God so much that people think we're nuts. . . But He has always provided for us. Without God, there's no way we would ever be able to take care of so many children.”
As Christians, it’s relatively easy to believe Jesus died for our sins in the past and that He is coming back again in the future. But to trust Him to meet my needs today can be a lot harder. Still, He promises, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) Or, in the words of Fred Van Stralen, “all these things will be thrown at you!” The only question is: will we believe Him, or not?
“So what does this have to do with me?”
It would be tempting to read all this and say to yourself, “OK, that’s nice for those who want to have big families, but we’ve prayed about it and really feel we are totally fine with the two or three kids we now have. It’s all we sense we can handle. And, after all, it’s not that big a deal. It’s our choice and if anyone is hurt by that choice it’s just us.”
I wish that were true. I wish that my decisions as an individual, or those of Marcia and me as a married couple, only affected us. But, as we will see, the impact of our decisions about family size are enormous—much greater than we might ever imagine.
Obviously, if Marlin and Becky Bontrager had stopped at the 2 or 3 kids they were planning to have, I wouldn’t have received that letter from their seventh child Taylor. The oldest children would never know the joy of interacting with and loving their younger siblings. While they wouldn’t know what they were missing, God would. The same can be said for the Van Stralens and for us, the Hekmans. But the impact goes far deeper and broader than that. Let me explain.
Many of us have seen the Christmas classic, It’s a Wonderful Life starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. This great movie wrestles with the question, “What if I were never born?” We see the negative impact of this altered reality when the character George Bailey, played by Stewart, is missing from the scene. Thousands of lives were much the poorer.
Only God knows how much worse off our world would be if our children were non-existent. What we can see is how they continue to touch scores of lives across our nation as they have settled in various towns from California to New York, from Texas to Michigan. Given time and your patience, I could brag about each of them, and how they, and now their own children, are impacting their respective worlds.
Here’s the point: children are messages we send to a time we ourselves will never see. They are like missionaries to the future. So don’t think not having the child or children God has planned for you only impacts the quality of your life. It goes well beyond that. It’s like not sending that missionary to those who have never heard the Gospel.
Other Consequences
Managing my own family size apart from God ultimately hurts our economy. The Wall Street Journal recently ran a series of articles under the title “2050: Demographic Destiny.” The team writing these articles—looking at the facts—has concluded that world economies are in trouble. But, contrary to what we have been conditioned to believe, our economic woes are not due to overpopulation. In fact, just the opposite: the authors point out that our problems stem from the reality that the number of working-age people in developed nations is shrinking. At the same time, due to lengthening of lifespans, the number of people over 65 is skyrocketing, adding to society the burden of increased medical expenditures for this age group.
So why is the number of working-age people shrinking in our world? Because of what demographers call “low fertility rates.” Translation: women are not having enough babies. It takes 2.1 babies for each female during her lifetime to achieve zero population growth in any given nation: one baby to replace her, one to replace her mate and .1 babies for those who don’t ever reproduce in the future. The average number of children born to women in a nation is called the Total Fertility Rate (TFR) of that country.
So where has America been on the scale of Total Fertility Rates? From 1940 through 1969, the TFR in the U.S. exceeded 2.1. In fact, from 1945 through 1964 the TFR was more than 3 children per female in America. But, starting in 1970, we have been below 2.1 children per woman. Most recently, the TFR is at 1.86.
Looking at demographics from another perspective is to consider the median age of our population. That is the age where 50 percent of the population is on either side of this number. In 1970, the median age of the U.S. was 28. It is now close to 38! In marked contrast, the median age in the U.S. in 1850 was 18.9. In Muslim lands like Afghanistan, the median age today is about 18. (Little wonder why Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world—it’s their birthrate!) In dying Japan, the median age is 46! And Japan’s population recently declined by close to a million as deaths have outnumbered births. Europe is in similar shape. In demographers’ eyes, these cultures are dying.
But the U.S. is not far behind. In the last two years in America, deaths have outnumbered births in the white population because of insufficient numbers of children born.
So what is our role in all this? God commanded mankind repeatedly in scripture to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth with people. But we Christians ignore that, choosing rather to swallow the dire predictions of gloom mongers and embrace our culture’s pursuit of comfort, ease and the “good life.” Which, translated, means sex, good career with lots of money and things, but minimal children. As such, we are contributing to the death of culture.
Even worse
Arbitrarily limiting the size of my family for my own comfort and pleasure unexpectedly encourages something terrible: it underscores the need for legal abortion.
Why do I make this bold statement? After all, you insist you are decidedly prolife, and some of you reading this directly participate in prolife activities.
Consider this: nobody seeks an abortion because they love the idea of ruthlessly killing a living unborn little boy or girl that God is forming in the womb. While that is the result of abortion, the motivation for a woman to “terminate her pregnancy” is due to the fact that she finds herself inconveniently pregnant with a child she and/or her partner do not wish to bear and raise. Yes, she engaged in sexual intercourse that always has the potential to cause pregnancy. But, in our modern world, we expect that medical technology can guarantee an impenetrable wall between sex and pregnancy. When unexpected and undesired pregnancy results, we feel we are entitled to end it: a child wasn’t what we intended!
But what do we pro-lifers who successfully limit our family size to suit our own desire for comfort want to say to the woman who becomes inconveniently pregnant and is seeking an abortion? While we may be reluctant to admit it, see if this isn’t really the message we are feeling: “We agree with you that children are a lot of work—and expensive—to bear and raise. Therefore, prudent people like us need to take specific steps to make sure we don’t bear unwanted kids. We also agree that sex is great and that we all have an inherent right to enjoy sex without any fear of getting pregnant. But since you obviously had sex without adequate “protection,” you are stuck! We insist that you give birth to that unwanted child!” Can’t you see that our message is less than convincing?
By literally worshiping sex as a culture but, by contrast, demeaning the value of children, abortion becomes necessary to erase our “mistakes” and presumably give us a better quality of life. As a tragic result, we have “legally” thrown away close to 60 million little boys and girls since Roe v Wade was decided by the Supreme Court in 1973. God is already judging America for this bloodshed. But I am convinced He will hold us followers of Christ at least partially to blame. We are to be the salt and the light to our world. But, how have we been salty? Despite our prolife and pro-child rhetoric to the contrary, our small families and obvious pursuit of pleasure, comfort and things of this world tell a watching world what our priorities really are.
Jesus, who looks at the heart, said in the Sermon on the Mount that hatred is the moral equivalent of murder, and that lust is the driving force of adultery. Likewise, insisting on an impenetrable wall between sex and the creation of children, because we love the one and disdain the other, is the moral equivalent of abortion. We followers of Christ who have absorbed the world’s thinking in this area need to repent.
Is it not fair to say our culture virtually worships sex today? Romans Chapter 1 talks about how pagan culture ultimately devolves to sexual decadence in which all forms of perversion become acceptable. If sex is THE thing in life, it shouldn’t matter with whom or with what I have sex. Little wonder we now have same-sex marriage and even the beginnings of sexual activities with talking, life-sized robots.
God created sex not as an end in itself, but as a means to two wonderful ends: (1) deep marital communication between husband and wife; and (2) the potential of God using that connection to create in the womb a child in His image, who has the potential of impacting life on this planet and living forever.
If you could snap your fingers and make every man and woman in America believe the truth that bearing and raising a child for the glory of God is one of the greatest privileges we have this side of eternity, you could have an abortion clinic on every street corner, and no one would ever use them. “Are you kidding? Destroy this precious child I carry in my womb? No way!!” More than merely being pro-life, we need to be pro-God, which will inevitably lead us to becoming truly pro-child.
The Solution: simple but not easy . . .
We have seen that my desire to control my family size for my own comfort and happiness apart from God and His ways has very negative consequences. This should not come as any great surprise since God’s word says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”(Proverbs 14:12; also Proverbs 16:25.) In contrast is Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” We do not park our brains at the door, but we do have our minds and lives subservient to the authority of the Bible and God’s revealed truth. While the Western mindset is, “Let me first understand, and then I will obey,” the Jewish mindset is, “I will first obey, and then I will understand.”
So how should a healthy Christian couple decide their family size? Is contraception always evil? If a couple is physically incapable of bearing a child, should they discontinue from sexual relations because there is no hope of conception?
While I won’t address every possible issue here, the bottom line for any true follower of Christ is that He be Lord of every aspect of life. Why would we exempt this area of family size from His Lordship? We’re talking about us cooperating with God for Him to fashion a unique little boy or girl in His image who has the potential to impact our world during their lifetime and then to live for eternity in His heavenly Kingdom! How dare we run this area of our lives apart from Him? My only question is why aren’t more Christians talking about this? Why have we blindly followed the way of the world? Why don’t we hear more sermons on this topic?
What does the Lordship of Christ look like in this area of family size? Let me suggest that a healthy married couple should be open to God for the children He wants to create in and through them. Biology and statistical chance do NOT determine what your child’s gender nor what their qualities will be. Carefully re-read Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16. Children are God’s creation and are made in His image. Getting pregnant is not automatic. Couples who long for a child know this deeply.
What if you have limited resources? Living by faith means taking risks when God clearly leads, and then trusting Him to provide. There is no place for laziness, but neither is there place for cowardice. We must not live for ourselves and our own comfort and security. Real Christians get out of the boat and walk on the water when Jesus says, “Come.”
In our experience, I recall many times when we faced financial pressures. I would pray something like this, “Lord, I know you love me and have promised to meet our needs according to your glorious riches in Christ Jesus. But I also know you really love children. Lord, look at the children you have given us and who belong to you. For their sake, please meet our financial needs!” God always, I mean always came through!
What if there are health concerns? Obviously, you report to God in all this, and you make your decision about additional children based on the information you have and how God specifically leads you. Contraception in these situations is not always evil. But don’t be too quick to forego being open for an additional child out of fear.
When a couple physically cannot bear another child, they are still commanded in Scripture to meet one another’s needs sexually. (See I Corinthians 7:2-5) One of God’s purposes for sex is deep communication between husband and wife. Such is a barometer of a healthy marriage.
While there is so much more to be said in this area, I hope this at least initiates a much-needed discussion among the Body of Christ in America.
Unless we repent for our godless ways in life and seek radical obedience to God, we cannot expect Him to move powerfully in our nation in revival and spiritual awakening. And unless we have revival and awakening, America’s future is bleak indeed.
Appendix A
“On Birth Control”
(Taken from The Banner, July 24, 1936)
“Herein is my Father glorified that ye bear much fruit, and so shall ye be my disciples.” (John 15:8)
Ah, yes! this question of birth control agitates the minds of many Christian friends. Some say that we, Christian women, have duties to perform other than bearing and rearing children; that we must also tend to mission work for the sake of extending the Lord's kingdom to every part of the world. for we must bear much fruit to the glory of our heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. He, our Savior, said so when He departed for glory: “Go ye forth into all the world . . .!”
Yes, indeed! But did He not add, “beginning from Jerusalem?” And has He not promised to own my children? If He then will give me many children, if I bear much fruit, being in Him, will not the Father be glorified therein? May not I, myself, then contribute directly to the coming of His kingdom? Having this promise that He will adopt my children for His very own, is not my first duty to bear for Him as many as it may please Him to give unto me?
Some say it is not necessary that I have as many children as I possibly can. I must guard my health, conserve my strength, look out for myself and for my family. And so, they argue, it may be better to limit the number of children one might have; it may be advisable to prevent conception.
But my Lord says, “Abide in me and I in you,” and, “He that abideth in me and I in him, the same beareth much fruit: for apart from me ye can do nothing.” And when I am conscious of abiding in Him, and experience His blessed presence in me, then I dare not think of preventing the birth of a child He may want me to receive from Him and to bring up for Him.
And must I care for my own life? Does not the Master say that whosoever seeketh to save his life shall lose it? Or, again, shall I try to safeguard my own life in order that I may have energy and leisure to help send forth more missionaries into heathen lands where they may jeopardize their precious lives in the service of the Master? But, still! How do I know that my Lord may not, perhaps, deign to select the child whose birth I would prevent as one of His missionaries to carry the message to foreign lands? And, oh! That would be interest thrice doubly compounded upon my little capital of loving devotion, upon my talents which He gave me to put them to usury!
Ah, some say there heavy burdens to bear in the rearing of children as well as grave risks in bringing them into the world! Yes, yes, indeed; but my Master says: “If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you ask whatsoever ye will, and it shall be done unto you.”--Ah, then, Lord, give me children, many, to bring up for thee that I may be always abounding in the work of the Lord, my and my children's Redeemer!
Should I shirk my own duty denying my service to my Lord, that I might labor to send others? Should I protect my own life and health in order to give others the opportunity to risk theirs for the Master?
Moreover, has not the Father himself provided a distribution of gifts and of labor such that, while I and others with me, are almost exclusively occupied with the duties and burdens of motherhood these other tasks need not and will not be neglected? Are there not many of my sisters in the Lord from whom He in His divine wisdom has kept the blessed joys and the sweet burdens of motherhood?
Who then dares presume to interfere with the Father's dispensation of gifts and of tasks? Who dares to limit, arbitrarily, the operation of His wonderful powers?
“Theophila”
Appendix B
“His Number”
by Janet Carlton
While waiting as a bride to be
I heard God firmly speak to me
To cast aside the world's device
And become a Living Sacrifice.
Namely that my womb should bear
The ones He planned to cradle there
Lest some humanistic creed
Eliminate His Godly seed.
How I wrestled with that word--
So unusual. So absurd!
Would God . . . could God take control
And what would His requirements hold?
After much debate and doubt,
I threw my own decisions out.
If God can measure earth and sea,
Can He not chart a family?
And if He names and numbers stars
Then in His book is each of ours.
Therefore, we gave to Him the right
To build the house and take the charge.
A mother now with six on hand,
By faith and grace
I have no plan,
But cast aside the things that kill
To let His number be fulfilled.
Appendix C
“Children”
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Come to me, O ye children!
For I hear you at your play,
And the questions that perplexed me
Have vanished quite away.
Ye open the eastern windows,
That look towards the sun,
Where thoughts are singing swallows,
And the brooks of morning run.
In your hearts are the birds and the sunshine,
In your thoughts the brooklet's flow,
But in mine is the wind of Autumn,
And the first fall of the snow.
Ah, what would the world be to us
If the children were no more?
We should dread the desert behind us
Worse than the dark before.
What the leaves are to the forest,
With light and air for food,
Ere their sweet and tender juices
Have been hardened into wood,--
That to the world are children;
Through them it feels the glow
Of a brighter and sunnier climate
Than reaches the trunks below.
Come to me, O ye children!
And whisper in my ear
What the birds and the winds are singing
In your sunny atmosphere.
For what are all our contrivings
And the wisdom of our books,
When compared with your caresses,
And the gladness of your looks?
Ye are better than all the ballads
That ever were sung or said;
For ye are living poems,
And all the rest are dead.
From: Best Loved Poems by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Peoples Book Club, Chicago, 1949.
If after reading the brief story below, you want to know even more about this important issue, we suggest you order our book, "Sweeter by the Dozen: Making Jesus the Lord of Our Family Size."
“I am writing to thank you for your ministry. Many years ago, when interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, you spoke concerning the blessing of children. My mother listened to this and was convicted. Both my parents decided to receive as many children as God would give as a blessing. At the time, my parents had one child. Now, I am the seventh of ten children. I probably would not be living had it not been for your talk. Many parents see children as a temporary bother instead of people that God can use to serve Him. If everyone would receive as many children as God would give them and raise them to love God and His Word, the effect would be thousands of young people passionate about serving God. Thank you for the impact you have had on my life.”
Written by fourteen-year old Taylor Bontrager from Iowa, his letter was part of a small package that recently arrived at our home and which also contained eleven other hand-written letters—one from each member of the Bontrager family! Mind you, we had never met this family before. But the parents, Marlin and Becky, had obviously been touched by the message we shared on Dr. Dobson’s radio broadcast many years before.
And they were not the only family impacted by this broadcast. Dr. Dobson told us he received many letters from other couples describing how their lives had been changed as well. Most exciting to us were the letters that arrived months after the broadcast had been aired, where folks sent Dobson pictures of their newborns, whose very existence—from a human perspective at least—had been prompted by our program. To which we can only say: total credit to God! Because, as you will soon see, it was He who graciously opened our eyes about the value He places on children. We came very close to missing this truth as well.
But first, a disclaimer: this booklet will undoubtedly challenge you in many ways. While you may hear our story and immediately agree with what we are saying, it is also possible that you may initially question our perspective similar to how we reacted when we first considered this subject. We simply ask that you give God permission to change your mind, that you “be willing to be willing” in this area of children and family size. And bear in mind that growth in the Christian life is often counter-intuitive. We gain by surrendering; we win by losing; and we truly live as we die to self. “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?’” (Luke 9:23-25)
By the grace of God, many years ago, Marcia and I chose to follow Him whatever the cost. We have made our share of mistakes, and cry out daily for His power and love. But He has been incredibly faithful to us. We would not trade this life for anything!
Our Experience
In the summer of 1967, Marcia and I met in a divine encounter at the headquarters for Campus Crusade for Christ (now called Cru) in Arrowhead Springs, CA. She was there for a month and me for just a week. But how wonderful of the Lord that we did meet! That fall we returned to our respective colleges, Marcia to Northern Illinois University and me to Boston at MIT. After a courtship primarily by snail mail and telephone, along with occasional visits, we were married on June 14, 1969.
Having just graduated from college and now newly married, my first job out of college was as a Naval officer in the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. I also attended night law school five nights a week at George Washington University.
While Marcia wanted to start having children immediately, I felt we needed to get better established first. So I told her to give this desire for children to God and urged her to seek a job teaching high school, to which she acquiesced. Like most Christian couples, we used birth control to prevent pregnancy. I didn’t even think God cared much about this issue. Family size is our business, right?
After Marcia taught for two years, we felt we should “start our family.” (I actually have grown to despise that term—doesn’t “family” start when we get married?) In any event, soon we were delighted to hear that Marcia was pregnant, and nine months later she gave birth to our precious firstborn, Michelle Ann. With that life-changing event, Marcia became, and has remained, a full time mom.
Leaving Washington after three years, we returned to my hometown of Grand Rapids, where I started work as an Assistant Prosecuting Attorney. Soon Marcia gave birth to wonderful Renee Janette. Spacing our children with birth control, a couple years later was born Alicia Lynn, who came along about the same time I was elected as Probate-Juvenile Court Judge for our county. Finally, Marianne Christine came into the world in 1976.
So there we were with four awesome daughters. Now what to do? For me, four children are more than enough! Not that I regretted having any of them. Each girl was precious in her own way. But our house was reaching its limits, as was our car. I also felt our budget was getting stretched, and I sincerely wondered if either Marcia or I had the emotional and physical energy to raise more kids. Certainly we needed to follow the example of those around us and take decisive action to put an end to this process.
In addition to these concerns about being able to handle more children, I also had a hidden dream that would be shattered if our family grew larger. My hobby at the time was flying private airplanes. My secret dream had been to own an airplane someday and fly my family around the country for fun. There are many four and six passenger, single engine airplanes I could ideally purchase, but anything larger would be virtually out of the question.
Not only this, but what would other relatives and friends say if we had another child? Having five kids felt weird. I didn’t want to go there.
The Turning Point
And Marcia knew my thinking too. She too felt four was “enough.” But she also thought, “That’s what we think. But what if God wants to create another child?” So she prayed that if God wanted us to have another child, He would change her husband’s (my) heart. While no angel ever appeared bringing me tidings about God’s perspectives on childbearing, little-by-little my thinking did indeed change.
While I had read through the Bible many times, God began to impress me with how many Old Testament passages speak of God opening and closing the wombs of married women. (See, for example, Genesis 16:1-2; 21:1-2; 25:21; 29:31-35; 30:17; 30:22-23; Deuteronomy 28:4,11,18; Judges 13:2-3; I Samuel 1:5, 19-20; 2:21 and Luke 1:5-25). God showed me that He has a much greater role in the creation of children than I had previously thought. For the first time in my life, it struck me how eternally important is the decision couples cavalierly make about how many children to have. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, but God showed me how our choices in this matter greatly impact not only us as parents, but also the other children in our families and, ultimately, even the human history of our world and the composition of God's eternal kingdom! It’s not tiny: it’s huge!
Since high school days, I have been taught that we need daily to ensure that Jesus Christ is Lord or boss of all the areas of our lives. But I have yet to hear a sermon on the need to dedicate the reproductive parts of our lives to the Lord. Is God not sovereign in deciding who will be conceived and born? Or was it merely coincidental that Moses was born a male and specially chosen by God to become a special leader of the Israelis? Was it mere biological chance that David was the seventh born in Jesse's family and chosen to become an outstanding king? How about the special roles in the history of Israel played by Esther and Ruth? Obviously God wanted these people to be the gender they were and have the personalities they each possessed. Or was that reality only true in Biblical days? Psalm 139:13 has David speaking to God, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.” Or has somehow, in our modern age, biological science and statistics replaced God's sovereignty over the creation of children?
As God led me through these and other thoughts, I became totally convicted in my heart that I had been wrongly controlling an area of my life that properly belonged in God's hands. But the conviction didn’t erase my fears. Truth be told, I was petrified thinking about turning this reproductive area over to Him. We just might actually have another child which, to my way of thinking, was very unwise. That would obviously be much more than we could handle or afford!
I struggled with this dilemma for a period of time, resisting God's grace because of my fear. It was around this time that I experienced an uncomfortable episode with a urinary tract infection. I felt maybe God was using this to encourage me to obtain a vasectomy that would both cure my infection and resolve my dilemma. But my hopes for this convenient “solution” were dashed when the doctor said that a vasectomy would not at all eliminate the infection issue; in fact, he encouraged regular relations with my wife as a means of keeping the problem at bay. Thanks a lot, doctor!
Failing to resolve the issue this way, but continuing to be convicted by God on the subject, I announced to Marcia one night, with a sigh, that we were going to trust God with whether or not we had more children. We were going “cold turkey” with contraception. Marcia was ecstatic. I was a basket case.
My only consolation in all this was sincerely trusting that God is both merciful and wise. He loves us, He knows what is best for us, and He is the one who creates life in the womb. He obviously could see that, in our day and age, having more than four children would be unwise, particularly for our family. I was almost 100% convinced that God, in His mercy, wisdom and love, would sovereignly close Marcia's womb. We would be obeying God, and I would obtain what I knew was best for us: no more children. And possibly my dream airplane!
The Family Grows
Fortunately for all of us, God merely smiled at my rationalizations. In His sovereignty, He did what He knew would be the best: In a few months, Marcia's growing prayers for another child were answered. One evening, Marcia told me as we were getting ready for bed, “You know, Randy, my stomach doesn't feel so good, and I am a bit light headed.” Knowing as I do that Marcia hates any form of actual sickness or discomfort, the smile on her face as she spoke these words confirmed my worst fears: she was pregnant again! I was going to be the father of five children! What on earth had we done?
“Randy, aren't you happy” she asked me. “Oh, sure!” I said, trying my best to sound positive. In reality, I was emotionally dazed as I pondered the implication of all this. This went on with me for a number of days. Only as I trusted again in the sovereignty of God and His perspective that children are of infinite value, was I able to pull out of my funk. Somehow, I reasoned, while seemingly overwhelming, it was going to be O.K.
The response of friends and relatives to the news was predictably lukewarm. I really didn't know how to answer those who asked, “Is this child planned?” I wasn't strong enough yet in my new thinking to expound on the fact that, “Yes, God planned this child from before the foundation of the world.” Instead, I would mutter, somewhat sheepishly, “Of course, heh, heh.”
September 23, 1978 came soon enough, and we found ourselves again at the OB/GYN floor of a local hospital with Marcia delivering baby #5. Having had four girls up to this point, Marcia and I agreed that we really liked girls and would be pleased as punch to have another. (Anyhow, it would certainly save money on new clothing!) Even if ultrasounds had been available then providing parents knowledge of their next child’s gender, our doctor hadn’t suggested we obtain one. So as the big baby came out into the world, obstetrician Dr. Louis Helder, a dear friend, gave the official pronouncement as soon as he could tell: “It's a . . . boy!” he said excitedly.
Marcia, unable from her vantage point to view the actual evidence for herself, said, “You’re kidding! That’s amazing! We don't have boys!” She was not joking. In my family of origin, I was the only male surrounded by three sisters. Marcia has two sisters and no brothers. Her oldest sister has four daughters and no sons, and her younger sister at that time had no children. Time for celebration!
Weighing in at almost 10 pounds, dear David was a precious baby to all of us. A day or so after David’s birth, our pastor made the public announcement in the Sunday morning service of our large church. “The Hekmans had a baby born, and it’s a . . . boy!” The congregation erupted in spontaneous applause. “Didn't I tell you,” I told myself, swelling with pride, “that we should have a fifth child?” The term “hypocrite” fits quite well here!
And grows some more!
I was actually surprised how well and how quickly David fit into our family. He was a joy for Marcia and me, and his older sisters doted on him. After a few months, we needed to address the obvious: should we be open for a sixth child? Trust me, we never sat down and formulated a plan to have a dozen children. Our pattern was more like this: after adjusting to the chaos of the most recent arrival, God gradually made us open to the possibility of another one should He choose to bless us in that way. Somehow, He was meeting our needs. Sure, it was work, but I was surprised that it was rather fun having this growing group of lively children in our home. I won’t belabor (no pun intended!) you with the specifics of each, but after David, one-by-one every couple of years, along came the following children: Suzanne, John, Scott, Laurie, Daniel, Angela and Nathan.
After adjusting to the birth of a child, it was not uncommon for Marcia to ask God for another child. I was a bit more cautious; I simply would pray for God’s will to be done. That went on until we had 11 kids. Now, I’ve always been a numbers sort of guy. Somehow, eleven seemed incomplete compared with twelve. I mean, consider the Twelve Tribes of Israel and the Twelve Apostles and all. So, after the birth of dear Angela on Christmas eve, I did pray Marcia would have at least one more. Three years later, my brave wife gave birth to Nathan when she was pushing 46 years of age. Then God did close her womb. (A quick note to those of you who have heard the horror stories about how risky it is for women to give birth in their 40s—that their children are likely to be damaged goods. Our 12th born Nathan was Valedictorian of his large high school class and got straight A’s in engineering school. He now works for IBM). And, for full disclosure, along the way, Marcia did have two unpleasant miscarriages. But for those keeping score, at this juncture our children range in ages from 51 to 29. Eleven are now married, and we have 35 grandchildren, one great grandchild and more on the way!! Total credit to God!
Looking back, has it been easy? Are you kidding? Though often challenging, it has also been wonderful at the same time. And God has miraculously met our needs along the way.
Providing for a Dozen Children
To begin with, neither Marcia nor I are independently wealthy. She grew up in a farming community in Illinois, and my family was decidedly middle class. When first married, after we drove to our one bedroom apartment in suburban Washington, D.C., we barely had the cash to purchase the necessities, like pots and pans and an ironing board, for our home. At the end of the day, we didn’t have sufficient money left even to take our honeymoon. Oh well, we had Jesus and we had each other and no real debt either.
My initial pay with the Navy was about $7,600 per year. When Marcia started to teach that first fall, she added about $9,000 a year for the two years she taught before becoming a fulltime homemaker. But, despite our minimalistic income, we were challenged by friends to tithe, or give a tenth of our gross income to the Lord. At first, doing so felt like financial suicide. But I can honestly say that God has always provided for us in our 46 years of marriage. Let me give you a few specifics:
- All our children have graduated from college, and none has lingering undergraduate school debt, with the possible exception of one or two who completed school after they got married.
- God has provided housing for us more than abundantly. We’ve had a 12 bedroom home on 12 acres, and then an 11 bedroom home on 10 acres that had an indoor 20x40 swimming pool and 9 ½ bathrooms. While I couldn’t afford these homes, God can and did!
- A 15 passenger van literally dropped out of the sky due to the generosity of friends.
- Each child has embraced Christ as Savior and Lord. None have arrived at perfection any more than their parents have. But God has helped us with the hard work of training and discipline and attempting to be good examples to our children. We have been far from perfect in all of this, but so far we are proud of each one of them and pray for them daily.
I’m reminded of friends of ours from the Toronto, Canada area: Fred and Nelly Van Stralen. We visited this family in the summer of 1985 when they had 15 children. (I believe they added one or two since then.) Even though Nelly did not work outside of the home, Fred was able to make ends meet for his large family through his income as a Canadian mail carrier. The large home they lived in, worth upwards of $300,000 at the time and included an outdoor pool, was actually mortgage free! Apparently the prior owner had it on his heart to sell the home to the Van Stralens merely for the cost of the land itself on which the home stood! As Fred put it, “God literally throws blessings at us when we His children obey Him.”
Another large family, whom I have only “met” by reading their account in the newspaper, are the Rudy Sheptocks of New Jersey. Rudy and his wife Joanne have 26 children, seven biological ones and 19 adopted. They live in a rambling 13-bedroom, seven-bathroom home in Penpack-Gladstone, New Jersey. The Sheptocks consume more than $500 worth of groceries and wash upwards of 100 loads of laundry per week. Mr. Sheptock works as a maintenance supervisor for a local public school system. In addition, publicity of the family has prompted donations. To what do the Sheptocks attribute their source of supply? Listen to Mr. Sheptock:
“We talk about God so much that people think we're nuts. . . But He has always provided for us. Without God, there's no way we would ever be able to take care of so many children.”
As Christians, it’s relatively easy to believe Jesus died for our sins in the past and that He is coming back again in the future. But to trust Him to meet my needs today can be a lot harder. Still, He promises, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) Or, in the words of Fred Van Stralen, “all these things will be thrown at you!” The only question is: will we believe Him, or not?
“So what does this have to do with me?”
It would be tempting to read all this and say to yourself, “OK, that’s nice for those who want to have big families, but we’ve prayed about it and really feel we are totally fine with the two or three kids we now have. It’s all we sense we can handle. And, after all, it’s not that big a deal. It’s our choice and if anyone is hurt by that choice it’s just us.”
I wish that were true. I wish that my decisions as an individual, or those of Marcia and me as a married couple, only affected us. But, as we will see, the impact of our decisions about family size are enormous—much greater than we might ever imagine.
Obviously, if Marlin and Becky Bontrager had stopped at the 2 or 3 kids they were planning to have, I wouldn’t have received that letter from their seventh child Taylor. The oldest children would never know the joy of interacting with and loving their younger siblings. While they wouldn’t know what they were missing, God would. The same can be said for the Van Stralens and for us, the Hekmans. But the impact goes far deeper and broader than that. Let me explain.
Many of us have seen the Christmas classic, It’s a Wonderful Life starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. This great movie wrestles with the question, “What if I were never born?” We see the negative impact of this altered reality when the character George Bailey, played by Stewart, is missing from the scene. Thousands of lives were much the poorer.
Only God knows how much worse off our world would be if our children were non-existent. What we can see is how they continue to touch scores of lives across our nation as they have settled in various towns from California to New York, from Texas to Michigan. Given time and your patience, I could brag about each of them, and how they, and now their own children, are impacting their respective worlds.
Here’s the point: children are messages we send to a time we ourselves will never see. They are like missionaries to the future. So don’t think not having the child or children God has planned for you only impacts the quality of your life. It goes well beyond that. It’s like not sending that missionary to those who have never heard the Gospel.
Other Consequences
Managing my own family size apart from God ultimately hurts our economy. The Wall Street Journal recently ran a series of articles under the title “2050: Demographic Destiny.” The team writing these articles—looking at the facts—has concluded that world economies are in trouble. But, contrary to what we have been conditioned to believe, our economic woes are not due to overpopulation. In fact, just the opposite: the authors point out that our problems stem from the reality that the number of working-age people in developed nations is shrinking. At the same time, due to lengthening of lifespans, the number of people over 65 is skyrocketing, adding to society the burden of increased medical expenditures for this age group.
So why is the number of working-age people shrinking in our world? Because of what demographers call “low fertility rates.” Translation: women are not having enough babies. It takes 2.1 babies for each female during her lifetime to achieve zero population growth in any given nation: one baby to replace her, one to replace her mate and .1 babies for those who don’t ever reproduce in the future. The average number of children born to women in a nation is called the Total Fertility Rate (TFR) of that country.
So where has America been on the scale of Total Fertility Rates? From 1940 through 1969, the TFR in the U.S. exceeded 2.1. In fact, from 1945 through 1964 the TFR was more than 3 children per female in America. But, starting in 1970, we have been below 2.1 children per woman. Most recently, the TFR is at 1.86.
Looking at demographics from another perspective is to consider the median age of our population. That is the age where 50 percent of the population is on either side of this number. In 1970, the median age of the U.S. was 28. It is now close to 38! In marked contrast, the median age in the U.S. in 1850 was 18.9. In Muslim lands like Afghanistan, the median age today is about 18. (Little wonder why Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world—it’s their birthrate!) In dying Japan, the median age is 46! And Japan’s population recently declined by close to a million as deaths have outnumbered births. Europe is in similar shape. In demographers’ eyes, these cultures are dying.
But the U.S. is not far behind. In the last two years in America, deaths have outnumbered births in the white population because of insufficient numbers of children born.
So what is our role in all this? God commanded mankind repeatedly in scripture to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth with people. But we Christians ignore that, choosing rather to swallow the dire predictions of gloom mongers and embrace our culture’s pursuit of comfort, ease and the “good life.” Which, translated, means sex, good career with lots of money and things, but minimal children. As such, we are contributing to the death of culture.
Even worse
Arbitrarily limiting the size of my family for my own comfort and pleasure unexpectedly encourages something terrible: it underscores the need for legal abortion.
Why do I make this bold statement? After all, you insist you are decidedly prolife, and some of you reading this directly participate in prolife activities.
Consider this: nobody seeks an abortion because they love the idea of ruthlessly killing a living unborn little boy or girl that God is forming in the womb. While that is the result of abortion, the motivation for a woman to “terminate her pregnancy” is due to the fact that she finds herself inconveniently pregnant with a child she and/or her partner do not wish to bear and raise. Yes, she engaged in sexual intercourse that always has the potential to cause pregnancy. But, in our modern world, we expect that medical technology can guarantee an impenetrable wall between sex and pregnancy. When unexpected and undesired pregnancy results, we feel we are entitled to end it: a child wasn’t what we intended!
But what do we pro-lifers who successfully limit our family size to suit our own desire for comfort want to say to the woman who becomes inconveniently pregnant and is seeking an abortion? While we may be reluctant to admit it, see if this isn’t really the message we are feeling: “We agree with you that children are a lot of work—and expensive—to bear and raise. Therefore, prudent people like us need to take specific steps to make sure we don’t bear unwanted kids. We also agree that sex is great and that we all have an inherent right to enjoy sex without any fear of getting pregnant. But since you obviously had sex without adequate “protection,” you are stuck! We insist that you give birth to that unwanted child!” Can’t you see that our message is less than convincing?
By literally worshiping sex as a culture but, by contrast, demeaning the value of children, abortion becomes necessary to erase our “mistakes” and presumably give us a better quality of life. As a tragic result, we have “legally” thrown away close to 60 million little boys and girls since Roe v Wade was decided by the Supreme Court in 1973. God is already judging America for this bloodshed. But I am convinced He will hold us followers of Christ at least partially to blame. We are to be the salt and the light to our world. But, how have we been salty? Despite our prolife and pro-child rhetoric to the contrary, our small families and obvious pursuit of pleasure, comfort and things of this world tell a watching world what our priorities really are.
Jesus, who looks at the heart, said in the Sermon on the Mount that hatred is the moral equivalent of murder, and that lust is the driving force of adultery. Likewise, insisting on an impenetrable wall between sex and the creation of children, because we love the one and disdain the other, is the moral equivalent of abortion. We followers of Christ who have absorbed the world’s thinking in this area need to repent.
Is it not fair to say our culture virtually worships sex today? Romans Chapter 1 talks about how pagan culture ultimately devolves to sexual decadence in which all forms of perversion become acceptable. If sex is THE thing in life, it shouldn’t matter with whom or with what I have sex. Little wonder we now have same-sex marriage and even the beginnings of sexual activities with talking, life-sized robots.
God created sex not as an end in itself, but as a means to two wonderful ends: (1) deep marital communication between husband and wife; and (2) the potential of God using that connection to create in the womb a child in His image, who has the potential of impacting life on this planet and living forever.
If you could snap your fingers and make every man and woman in America believe the truth that bearing and raising a child for the glory of God is one of the greatest privileges we have this side of eternity, you could have an abortion clinic on every street corner, and no one would ever use them. “Are you kidding? Destroy this precious child I carry in my womb? No way!!” More than merely being pro-life, we need to be pro-God, which will inevitably lead us to becoming truly pro-child.
The Solution: simple but not easy . . .
We have seen that my desire to control my family size for my own comfort and happiness apart from God and His ways has very negative consequences. This should not come as any great surprise since God’s word says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”(Proverbs 14:12; also Proverbs 16:25.) In contrast is Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” We do not park our brains at the door, but we do have our minds and lives subservient to the authority of the Bible and God’s revealed truth. While the Western mindset is, “Let me first understand, and then I will obey,” the Jewish mindset is, “I will first obey, and then I will understand.”
So how should a healthy Christian couple decide their family size? Is contraception always evil? If a couple is physically incapable of bearing a child, should they discontinue from sexual relations because there is no hope of conception?
While I won’t address every possible issue here, the bottom line for any true follower of Christ is that He be Lord of every aspect of life. Why would we exempt this area of family size from His Lordship? We’re talking about us cooperating with God for Him to fashion a unique little boy or girl in His image who has the potential to impact our world during their lifetime and then to live for eternity in His heavenly Kingdom! How dare we run this area of our lives apart from Him? My only question is why aren’t more Christians talking about this? Why have we blindly followed the way of the world? Why don’t we hear more sermons on this topic?
What does the Lordship of Christ look like in this area of family size? Let me suggest that a healthy married couple should be open to God for the children He wants to create in and through them. Biology and statistical chance do NOT determine what your child’s gender nor what their qualities will be. Carefully re-read Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16. Children are God’s creation and are made in His image. Getting pregnant is not automatic. Couples who long for a child know this deeply.
What if you have limited resources? Living by faith means taking risks when God clearly leads, and then trusting Him to provide. There is no place for laziness, but neither is there place for cowardice. We must not live for ourselves and our own comfort and security. Real Christians get out of the boat and walk on the water when Jesus says, “Come.”
In our experience, I recall many times when we faced financial pressures. I would pray something like this, “Lord, I know you love me and have promised to meet our needs according to your glorious riches in Christ Jesus. But I also know you really love children. Lord, look at the children you have given us and who belong to you. For their sake, please meet our financial needs!” God always, I mean always came through!
What if there are health concerns? Obviously, you report to God in all this, and you make your decision about additional children based on the information you have and how God specifically leads you. Contraception in these situations is not always evil. But don’t be too quick to forego being open for an additional child out of fear.
When a couple physically cannot bear another child, they are still commanded in Scripture to meet one another’s needs sexually. (See I Corinthians 7:2-5) One of God’s purposes for sex is deep communication between husband and wife. Such is a barometer of a healthy marriage.
While there is so much more to be said in this area, I hope this at least initiates a much-needed discussion among the Body of Christ in America.
Unless we repent for our godless ways in life and seek radical obedience to God, we cannot expect Him to move powerfully in our nation in revival and spiritual awakening. And unless we have revival and awakening, America’s future is bleak indeed.
Appendix A
“On Birth Control”
(Taken from The Banner, July 24, 1936)
“Herein is my Father glorified that ye bear much fruit, and so shall ye be my disciples.” (John 15:8)
Ah, yes! this question of birth control agitates the minds of many Christian friends. Some say that we, Christian women, have duties to perform other than bearing and rearing children; that we must also tend to mission work for the sake of extending the Lord's kingdom to every part of the world. for we must bear much fruit to the glory of our heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. He, our Savior, said so when He departed for glory: “Go ye forth into all the world . . .!”
Yes, indeed! But did He not add, “beginning from Jerusalem?” And has He not promised to own my children? If He then will give me many children, if I bear much fruit, being in Him, will not the Father be glorified therein? May not I, myself, then contribute directly to the coming of His kingdom? Having this promise that He will adopt my children for His very own, is not my first duty to bear for Him as many as it may please Him to give unto me?
Some say it is not necessary that I have as many children as I possibly can. I must guard my health, conserve my strength, look out for myself and for my family. And so, they argue, it may be better to limit the number of children one might have; it may be advisable to prevent conception.
But my Lord says, “Abide in me and I in you,” and, “He that abideth in me and I in him, the same beareth much fruit: for apart from me ye can do nothing.” And when I am conscious of abiding in Him, and experience His blessed presence in me, then I dare not think of preventing the birth of a child He may want me to receive from Him and to bring up for Him.
And must I care for my own life? Does not the Master say that whosoever seeketh to save his life shall lose it? Or, again, shall I try to safeguard my own life in order that I may have energy and leisure to help send forth more missionaries into heathen lands where they may jeopardize their precious lives in the service of the Master? But, still! How do I know that my Lord may not, perhaps, deign to select the child whose birth I would prevent as one of His missionaries to carry the message to foreign lands? And, oh! That would be interest thrice doubly compounded upon my little capital of loving devotion, upon my talents which He gave me to put them to usury!
Ah, some say there heavy burdens to bear in the rearing of children as well as grave risks in bringing them into the world! Yes, yes, indeed; but my Master says: “If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you ask whatsoever ye will, and it shall be done unto you.”--Ah, then, Lord, give me children, many, to bring up for thee that I may be always abounding in the work of the Lord, my and my children's Redeemer!
Should I shirk my own duty denying my service to my Lord, that I might labor to send others? Should I protect my own life and health in order to give others the opportunity to risk theirs for the Master?
Moreover, has not the Father himself provided a distribution of gifts and of labor such that, while I and others with me, are almost exclusively occupied with the duties and burdens of motherhood these other tasks need not and will not be neglected? Are there not many of my sisters in the Lord from whom He in His divine wisdom has kept the blessed joys and the sweet burdens of motherhood?
Who then dares presume to interfere with the Father's dispensation of gifts and of tasks? Who dares to limit, arbitrarily, the operation of His wonderful powers?
“Theophila”
Appendix B
“His Number”
by Janet Carlton
While waiting as a bride to be
I heard God firmly speak to me
To cast aside the world's device
And become a Living Sacrifice.
Namely that my womb should bear
The ones He planned to cradle there
Lest some humanistic creed
Eliminate His Godly seed.
How I wrestled with that word--
So unusual. So absurd!
Would God . . . could God take control
And what would His requirements hold?
After much debate and doubt,
I threw my own decisions out.
If God can measure earth and sea,
Can He not chart a family?
And if He names and numbers stars
Then in His book is each of ours.
Therefore, we gave to Him the right
To build the house and take the charge.
A mother now with six on hand,
By faith and grace
I have no plan,
But cast aside the things that kill
To let His number be fulfilled.
Appendix C
“Children”
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Come to me, O ye children!
For I hear you at your play,
And the questions that perplexed me
Have vanished quite away.
Ye open the eastern windows,
That look towards the sun,
Where thoughts are singing swallows,
And the brooks of morning run.
In your hearts are the birds and the sunshine,
In your thoughts the brooklet's flow,
But in mine is the wind of Autumn,
And the first fall of the snow.
Ah, what would the world be to us
If the children were no more?
We should dread the desert behind us
Worse than the dark before.
What the leaves are to the forest,
With light and air for food,
Ere their sweet and tender juices
Have been hardened into wood,--
That to the world are children;
Through them it feels the glow
Of a brighter and sunnier climate
Than reaches the trunks below.
Come to me, O ye children!
And whisper in my ear
What the birds and the winds are singing
In your sunny atmosphere.
For what are all our contrivings
And the wisdom of our books,
When compared with your caresses,
And the gladness of your looks?
Ye are better than all the ballads
That ever were sung or said;
For ye are living poems,
And all the rest are dead.
From: Best Loved Poems by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Peoples Book Club, Chicago, 1949.
If after reading the brief story below, you want to know even more about this important issue, we suggest you order our book, "Sweeter by the Dozen: Making Jesus the Lord of Our Family Size."
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